I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
