you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
