our cab driver is having phone sex.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
