Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The Olympian is in my bed
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