I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
