So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
