you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
