So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
