ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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