I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
