I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Sext me about skeletons
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
