Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
