just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
