Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
