In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
