Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
