if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
