yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
This house was built for laser tag.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
