Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
