Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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