After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
