3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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