RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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