We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
