Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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