I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
