thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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