you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
