I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Everyone says I win the strip club
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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