He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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