my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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