1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
