good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
