genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
