that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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