I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
