Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize