after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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