Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize