Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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