I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
