Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
