I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
