I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
