those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
