you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
