btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
