I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
