Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
