I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize