I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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