haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Four minutes until I can fart!
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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