We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
