put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Well I just put wine in my tea
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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