Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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