I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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