I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
