i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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