Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
