goodnight i made you a song goodbye
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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